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I actually chose to buy and wear my tallit exactly a week before I received the diagnosis of multiple sclerosis, as though it was planned to help comfort me when times get rough later on in the illness.
Once wearing it I felt it was an outward sign of the affirmation of my newly discovered faith and belief in God towards which I had been working for a number of years. The simultaneous discovery of my illness and my return to Judaism resulted in the celebration of wearing a tallit with pride.
The fact that I chose to wear a black and cream coloured tallit is significant too. Sometimes I feel men who wear a blue and white striped scarf' do not revere their tallit in the same way that I revere mine. So as not to make my gesture casual or copying a man's, taking theirs for granted from barmitzvah onwards, mine had to look different; symbolic of my decision to state who I am, a statement of the Jewish woman in me.
It felt good and suitable from the outset. The reaction from other women in the synagogue and visiting members of the United Synagogue is sometimes one of suspicion. A small group of us who wear a tallit sit together and perhaps we pose a threat; we are possibly labelled as cranks.
The ritual of touching the scroll as it is carried round came much later and was harder; perhaps it was something to do with getting in touch with my own holiness. I am not able to make this gesture with my tallit every week.
I am still relatively new to wearing the tallit and feel very emotional about it. If I am moved by the feeling of a prayer or a human touch in synagogue and I cry, my tears are caught and held on the tallit and it feels alright to allow them to accumulate there.
I had the honour of being kallat bereishit last year and also of celebrating my Batmitzvah in December: wearing my tallit whilst carrying the scroll, from which I was to read later on, felt a total commitment to my Judaism.
Sue Levin
Copied with permission from www.reformjudaism.org.uk
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